Monday, March 9, 2015

Magic Origins: Extended Edition

This summer's new Magic: the Gathering release is titled Magic Origins.  It details the beginnings of five Planeswalkers - powerful beings with the ability to travel from plane to plane in the Multiverse - and examines both their lives before they became Planeswalkers ("pre-spark"), and the traumatic event that caused their powers to flare into existence.

Here's a trailer:

But wait!  Why stop at only five Planeswalkers?  There are 31 active Planeswalkers represented in the card game, and the five in Magic Origins aren't even the coolest ones (according to my daughter).

So, well, here are the origins of two more Planeswalkers, as speculated upon by my daughter and me.

Ashiok, Nightmare Weaver

Would you like to bump into this - thing - in a dark alley late at night?

I surely would not!

Ashiok is a mage of unknown gender who harnesses the power of nightmare magic to bring the fears of others to life.  The use of this magic has had a toll on Ashiok, however; see if you can spot what it is...

(Sidenote: I like to imagine Ashiok as a human with a normal face who suffered a literal brainfart that blew off the top half of his/her face.  Come on, you know that'd be hilarious!)

Where did Ashiok come from?  After much meditation soul searching, my daughter decided that Ashiok was clearly once... Ashiok, Underwear Weaver.

And here Ashiok is in all, uh, its glory, scissors and thread in hand, ready to weave yet another piece of underwear on its loom.  What's the 'Wump'?  Why, it's the sound of a Planeswalker's spark igniting, of course!
Person 1: "And do you know what happens when he cuts your underwear?"
Person 2: "You die?"
Person 1: "Nope!  You poop your pants!"
I would dearly love to claim that my daughter was Person 1 in this conversation, with me being Person 2; but honesty compels me to admit that I was Person 1.  Hey, at least my daughter is popular with the boys at school.

Nicol Bolas

Nicol Bolas is perhaps the most powerful Planeswalker still living.

Ancient, devious, and possessed of immense power, Nicol Bolas has a mind full of plane-spanning corruptive schemes and the will and cleverness to see them through.  He engineered the release of the mana-devouring Eldrazi from their prison; he had a hand in the complete corruption of the plane of Mirrodin by the resurgent Phyrexians.  If Magic: the Gathering could be said to have a single archvillain, Nicol Bolas would be that being.

Sadly for my personal continued existence, there is a creature in my household that harbors similar ambitions.  Charizard has been a thorn in my side ever since my daughter liberated him from an import store.  He merrily punts other stuffed animals off my daughter's bed, hogs all my ice cream for himself, and burns my face whenever I protest.

My daughter does nothing to rein Charizard in (and may secretly encourage his depredations).  Because of this freedom of unconscionable behavior, he now has an ambition: to grow up to be a supervillain.  And what better villain than Nicol Bolas?

Yes, Charizard has decided that he is the younger time-shifted version of Nicol Bolas.

I... don't know what else there is to say.

No comments:

Post a Comment